The Data Supporting Your Successful Self
Milestone Shmilestone
A couple of months ago, the date passed that would have marked my 30th wedding anniversary. We enjoyed no Pearl Anniversary celebration though, because we didn’t make it… We divorced a couple of years short of that milestone. Why is a failed marriage attached to so much shame, blame, gossip, judgement, and ostracizing? My version of “The fairytale” (you know the one- happy couple, suburban home, 2 kids, dog…) didn’t have the societally scripted “happy ending”, so that’s supposed to equate to failure? Ugh, the external messages are the worst- how did they get so much power?
Why isn’t there AT LEAST as much celebration of making it as a “Successful Self”? For as much as I feel empowered and emboldened and excited about my life today and what lies ahead, sometimes I notice that the sadness and grief around what I’d (and we’d) hoped for and expected not coming to pass doesn’t get its due. Sometimes it feels like I should avoid the uncomfortable parts because feeling THAT discomfort would be a failure.
It feels safer to live in my head and justify all the decisions and reasons that lead me to this place. But sometimes -outside of my head- I have sadness. I have fear. I have loneliness. I try to let my body have a say, but it’s not easy. It’s not easy to acknowledge discomfort. Its not easy to acknowledge the whole of me and my experience. Just consider some of the lengths we’ll go to in an effort to avoid discomfort in our society- I’m looking at you alcoholism, addiction, depression, suicide, abandonment and the uncomfortable vulnerability that comes with taking an honest look at our whole selves.
What the Data Tells Us
The good news is that the discomfort is just another message. It’s information. Data. We’ve heard a lot over the past 20-something months about following the data… “Because science” and all that, but it’s not always easy to walk the talk and remember that feelings are there to inform. It appears easier to go along with the familiar and conditioned messages that we’ve been exposed to our whole lives. I believe there IS strength in taking in the data at face value independent of the external lens, judged by external values and expectations.
One step that I take towards that success is the simple observation that there is discomfort- sadness, fear, etc… Noticing discomfort may sound like a small step but naming it gives US the power. Naming it gives US the opportunity to decide what to do with that data. Handling our selves with intention is surely a strong measure of success.
There is power in putting one foot in front of the other- steps are steps and even the small ones count. You will find no shortage of metaphors and catchy phrases about that… ‘Progress not perfection…’ ‘Doing the work’, etc, the list goes on- you can always check your local Homegoods for the latest signs and mottos… but regardless of decor trends, these sentiments are reminders to slow down and appreciate those successes. My point is that there are lots of valid ways to make it.
“MAKING IT”, in any sense, is ALWAYS worthy of celebration.
